All in Labels

The day after we quit ministry, we hit the road for an undetermined amount of time and, unbeknownst to me, a chasm as vast as the Grand Canyon began to grow between what I believed and what the church had always taught me to believe. I didn't fall into it, I jumped into it.

I will continue to write as clearly as I can, and I can tell you this: I won't hide my words behind fluffy sentences or vague mentions, alluding to hidden meanings using cleverly crafted innuendos. These words will represent me as fully as I am in the moment they are typed, and I will be unafraid to publish those that may or may not offend. I cannot worry about offense and shield my truth.

The seeking is what fills me; the longing a romantic relationship of mine that I ache for. Landing on answers has never been the point of my quest. With every year I age, things change, and I have to accept each leg of my journey as explorative and beneficial to the next. What I know today will only be added to with my continued learning tomorrow, so why stop? Why be satisfied with there being only one way, only one answer?

Encouraging me to carry on the family name or tell me how much I’d love making a human that exhibits mental, physical, and emotional traits of my husband and I in a sweetly blended bundle of DNA is not going to change my mind. Telling me my husband and I would make great parents isn’t going to do it either. I don’t doubt I’d make a wonderful mother if I had a child, but I don’t need to find out. And it’s not going to make your life any different if you never find out either.

"I want to have a lasting experience with God. Sometimes I feel like I understand divinity of this world, but then I lose it because I get distracted by my petty desires and fears. I want to be with God all the time. But I don't want to be a monk, or totally give up worldly pleasures. I guess what I want to learn is how to live in this world and enjoy it's delights, but also devote myself to God."

I'm working my way to the core of myself; unearthing the years spent putting on layers - adapting other's thoughts as my own - and dirt is flying, the layers peeling away in long, flimsy remnants. I am revealing myself to myself. I'm no longer living in the confines of rules and labels, conforming to be someone who is just good enough for group think. I am living outside of those things, breaking down the actions I thought necessary. There is no title, no status when there is only me. My soul is thriving outside of the small, confined spaces I kept it slave to - to please others, to belong, to feel accepted.

The rumors of misinformation are one thing, but rumors about what we do or don't believe are simply a waste. Why does it matter? What if we don't believe in God anymore? The rumor stops there, and you have to decide if you care that much about something as personal as our beliefs. And then what?