"I don't buy hoping. Hope is helpless energy. It inspires inaction."
I've changed my mind about hope.
You'd think being sensitive, intuitive, a dreamer would teach me how to attach myself to hope, but if I'm honest - and I always try to be - I'm not sure I have ever really known how to interact with hope.
I struggle with it, the word itself and its concept. It has always felt like fluff, a way to distract myself with "good" feelings for a moment. Hope feels external, non-committal, like a wishing of something instead of the doing of whatever needs to be done to attain that something. Where is the accountability, the intentionality behind hope?
Religion told me to "just pray about it" if I didn't know what to do, to "have hope" as if that was enough of a solve for whatever I was going through. For me, it never was. I needed something more, but admitting I couldn't just pray about it or have hope translated to me not having enough faith. But I do have faith, I have more than enough faith. Like prayer, without action, hope is too easily forgotten. It's a misspoken word, a muffled whisper I shrug off without taking the time to clarify. It's a firework, a sparkler, it's temporary. Hope, to me, is a runaway balloon floating up and up until it pops and then, nothing.
So I don't hope for things, it makes me feel lazy. Instead, I expect things. If I want something to change, I don't hope it will change, I change myself and my expectations. I pray with expectation. I apply myself expecting the best. I have faith, I believe, I expect, and I act.
Hope just isn't in my vocabulary.
"We don't think ourselves into new ways of living.
We live ourselves into new ways of thinking."