All tagged home

Everything we are doing - the mundane work to pay the bills paired with the risks of business ownership and creative writing with the intent to publish - is to get us back to life on the road, in a constant state of travel. I'm learning that the plan sometimes requires stillness and dedication, where risky meets routine dressed in slacks and button-ups, so you can achieve a shared goal.

I'm almost halfway through The Discovery Project and as I uncover what I believe, I have found church is an easy tradition to discard. What I believe has nothing to do with church, and how I experience God cannot be found within a church - not in the sense of attending a building every week to sit through a timed, routine program.

I am a slave to outside opinion; I want to manage reactions and make sure I am well-rounded enough to please everyone. I know this is an impossible feat, and yet, I give in to this fear often. I was tempted to ask Zac if we could scrap the entire thing and do it again.

I have big emotions and open wounds. Apparently, this is not the time or place to share exactly how I feel because it would be too hurtful to potential readers, but keeping it inside is hurting me. I sit back and assess my words. How can I say these things softer? And why do I have to? When can I stop hiding the truth of my hurt?

In my pursuit of discovery - of my whole self and what I truly believe - the space does induce moments of anxiety because of the isolation I can feel. Being alone with my thoughts is one thing; being alone with no one to speak my thoughts to is another.

As I separate what I know and what I believe, I find myself torn in regards to the expressions of the religion I was brought up in. I want to believe there is goodness to be found in adhering to rules and standards; following the book, the "letter of the law" so to speak. I want to believe I was raised with some semblance of truth.