All tagged home
Everything we are doing - the mundane work to pay the bills paired with the risks of business ownership and creative writing with the intent to publish - is to get us back to life on the road, in a constant state of travel. I'm learning that the plan sometimes requires stillness and dedication, where risky meets routine dressed in slacks and button-ups, so you can achieve a shared goal.
I'm almost halfway through The Discovery Project and as I uncover what I believe, I have found church is an easy tradition to discard. What I believe has nothing to do with church, and how I experience God cannot be found within a church - not in the sense of attending a building every week to sit through a timed, routine program.
"We talk so much about the church and your journey, but I guess I don't hear much about your walk with the Lord. You know, what God is specifically teaching you. What are you learning? Where is your heart in all this? How is your relationship with God; what does it look like?"
I am a slave to outside opinion; I want to manage reactions and make sure I am well-rounded enough to please everyone. I know this is an impossible feat, and yet, I give in to this fear often. I was tempted to ask Zac if we could scrap the entire thing and do it again.
Mat and I met with Zac in his Seattle apartment, and within 20 minutes were recording our conversation. We drank whiskey together, talked about how Mat and I are surviving life after church and ministry, and realized we all believe it's the journey to inclusiveness where salvation is ultimately achieved.
I have big emotions and open wounds. Apparently, this is not the time or place to share exactly how I feel because it would be too hurtful to potential readers, but keeping it inside is hurting me. I sit back and assess my words. How can I say these things softer? And why do I have to? When can I stop hiding the truth of my hurt?
In my pursuit of discovery - of my whole self and what I truly believe - the space does induce moments of anxiety because of the isolation I can feel. Being alone with my thoughts is one thing; being alone with no one to speak my thoughts to is another.
As I separate what I know and what I believe, I find myself torn in regards to the expressions of the religion I was brought up in. I want to believe there is goodness to be found in adhering to rules and standards; following the book, the "letter of the law" so to speak. I want to believe I was raised with some semblance of truth.